casual reminder that i wrote an 90-page novel when i was eight about a deranged pensioner who wants to take over the world and return everything to “The Good Old Days”, and which included such choice elements as
a really neurotic vegetarian vampire
alice cooper, for no apparent reason
an evil supermodel called miranda goth
three nine-year-olds climbing mount everest in diving helmets
the entire population of scotland appearing out of literally nowhere to help defeat the antagonists
“you can take our lives but you cannot take our trousers"
a few people have been asking me to post extracts from this so uh
here’s something
in 20 years i’ll be telling people how i first heard of the best novel ever written when it was a 500 notes post on tumblr
casual reminder that this is now, by (un)popular demand, an ebook! so if you’d like to fund my lifelong desire to own an army of trained meerkats and help me pay off my student loans, feel free to drop some shinies my way. or just reblog this post. that works too
[audio transcription: So I’m sure we’ve all seen the videos recently of these things *squeezes the honking chicken several times* little chickens. Um. Well, so I discovered recently that if you pull the head off and then pull the noisemaker out it’s the right size that you can stick it in the end of a trombone mouthpiece. And then *deep breath* *the loudest, most horrible blatting noises* Yeah.]
